It was like I suddenly woke up one day and noticed this guy watching me. He came into my work daily and his eyes were glued to me. He treated everyone else all the same but saved a sincere smile for me, like I mattered. I’ve never had that. I’ve never had someone look at me in that way. We never spoke; I later found out that he was married, about twelve years older than me, and the only thing I’m sure he was looking for was a little summer fun.
But I cannot get rid of this distraction. I want someone to look at me that way again. I’ve never dated, never shared late night phone calls with someone special. Never received a text in the middle of the day to let me know that they’re thinking of me. I want that all. I want to be able to turn to someone with all of my insecurities, have them tell me, in a believable fashion, that I am wrong about myself. That I have so much going for me. Friends and family say these things, they tell me that I am unique, that I can be anything i want to be, that I’m smart, intelligent, beautiful. It just doesn’t sink in.
I don’t know if having a special someone tell me all of those things will make it any more true than when a family member says it. Maybe it’s the fact that someone is choosing to spend more and more time with me without getting easily annoyed at my idiosyncrasies, or the fact that they choose to spend time with me at all.
I do not know why, all of sudden, I started wanting this. I’ve gone twenty-three years without ever thinking about having a boyfriend. Yeah, there were a couple of maybes, if it worked out. But it never did. Guys tend to run in the opposite direction before really getting to know me. Maybe I do not show the level of interest that they look for. I know I cannot be THAT ugly that all of mankind is repelled by me.
I need to focus on getting my degree under my belt. I need to graduate, go to law school, and maybe meet someone there. Someone who is as confused as I; someone who hates playing politics but loves to watch a good debate. Someone who would go to a demonstration, not to join in, but to feel the energy and the passion of the crowd. Someone who would rather read and get lost in a fictional world than linger for long in reality. People say i just have to wait and I’ll find someone. God knows, I’ve had my fair share of offers for sexual relations. I don’t want that. I’m too sensitive for something like that. I need someone who understands that I like these things to go exceptionally slow. I’m painfully shy. I overthink, I analyze, I read people more than speak with them. I pick up on the little things. Is it so hard to find someone who can appreciate that?